I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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