I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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