I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
