Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
