I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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