I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
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