We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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