Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
