Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
