I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
