we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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