Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
