FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
