rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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