I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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