I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
