I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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