I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
you inspire me to be a worse person
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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