Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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