I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Randomize
