I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
