I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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