You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
