I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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