Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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