Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
