Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
