my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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