I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
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So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
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Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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