y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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