Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
