just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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