Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
