I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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