ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
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the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
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Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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