she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
