I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
