Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
