There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
