Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
