I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize
