chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
you didnt know i had herpes?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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