And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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