in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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