i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Randomize
