After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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