What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Randomize
