You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
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So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
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You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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