You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
Everything about him screamed your future.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
