my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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