Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
