Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I FOUND THE LEGS
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
