i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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