the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.