Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
