dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Randomize